1 Pick cat up, cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger & thumb on either side of cat’s mouth, gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens its mouth, pop pill in. Allow cat to close mouth & swallow.
2 Retrieve pill from floor, get cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm, repeat process.
3 Retrieve cat from bedroom, throw soggy pill away.
4 Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5 Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe, call spouse from garden.
6 Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore low growl as emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head down with a ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7 Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8 Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow into drinking straw.
9 Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer (to take taste away). Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water.
10 Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed, get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon & flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11 Fetch screwdriver from garage to put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer, fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek & check records for date of last tetanus shot, then apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss down another shot. Throw tee-shirt away & fetch new one from bedroom.
12 Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from wrap.
13 Gently tie the little *&%#’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine & bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically to pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14 Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while Doctor stitches fingers & forearm. Remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15 Arrange for SPCA to collect cat & call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters!
1 Wrap it in bacon (or a piece of hot dog, or a piece of cheese…)